We're All Mad Here

a place to store all our notes and resources

Your Metamour is Not the Problem — November 16, 2021

Your Metamour is Not the Problem

Poly With a Big Heart

Your Metamour is Not the Problem


In online forums across teh interwebz, one question crops up more than daily: how do I get my metamour to stop doing xyz and negatively affecting my relationship?

Welp. You don’t.

Oh, and also, it’s probably not your metamour that’s the problem if there is a consistent pattern of Metamour Issues = Your Relationship Problems. That usually ends up being a case of the hinge partner being more invested in not rocking the boat than advocating for themselves, (and your relationship). 

Once upon a time, I was partnered with someone who at times felt that upsetting their other partner was too high a price to pay for advocating for our relationship with them. As a result, there were times when the insecurities of their other partner were prioritized over the development of the relationship we were in. It often felt as though because I was not the one with the power to make their life miserable, I was the one who lost. 

You’re likely familiar with the phrase “pick your battles.” You’re also likely familiar with the desire to not pick certain battles because just letting them slide is easier in the short term than addressing the issue head on. So that’s a thing we can have empathy for – yes?

In all reality… there is only one person who can choose a different outcome, and that’s the person making the decision. If that person is scapegoating their other partner in order to avoid being the target of your negative feelings, consider calling them out on that problematic behavior. Likewise, if you’re misdirecting your disappointment and anger towards your meta, perhaps look at what’s actually happening in that scenario. Regardless of the relationship you have with your meta, it’s in everyone’s best interests to tend to their own individual connections and not try to leverage things like insider information, duration of relationship, or ultimatums to get what they want.

But when you’re in the position I was in way back when, there’s a tendency to blame the metamour for being the proverbial squeaky wheel getting greased as opposed to your partner. It is difficult to accept that someone you care for deeply is unwilling to risk discomfort elsewhere to maintain harmony with you. It’s natural to want to blame someone besides your partner when it feels like issues in another relationship are being transferred to you to bear. Particularly when you know if this person weren’t behaving the way they were, none of this would be an issue. 

This can create a feeling of helplessness, but here are some things that are within your power to do:

  • Ask for what you want using clear language, and be willing to accept a no. I covered this topic some time ago in my blog The Big Ask. You can’t expect a partner to advocate for your relationship if you’re not advocating for yourself within it. 
  • Resist the urge to blame your meta for everything you don’t like about your relationship. It’s quite possible your meta struggles not to blame you from time to time as well – give each other the benefit of the doubt. You aren’t responsible for each other’s relationships anyway.
  • To that end, ask your partner not to communicate your meta’s insecurities as they relate to your relationship with them – it’s none of your business, and serves you in no positive fashion. Furthermore, you can be assured that if your partner is throwing your meta under the bus to you, they’re likely doing the same thing to you. Advocating for a healthy relationship sometimes requires asking someone to modify how they treat others in your presence as well.
  • Communicate your needs using clear language and don’t let a scarcity mindsetconvince you to settle for less than what you need. Your needs are valid, but not everyone will be able to meet them.
  • Consider that the reasons your needs or wants are not being met is because your partner has different priorities than you. Because being able to see these as mismatches in desire will help you frame this as a fundamental incompatibility and not a metamour issue.

Oftentimes it’s easier to choose the path of least resistance even when it hurts loved ones. There is an awful lot to be said for not being a doormat; when you insist on healthy boundaries, advocate for yourself with clear language, and don’t accept less than you need, the tides either turn or your alternative becomes clear. 

You do get to have boundaries regarding how you’re treated in relationships, and if your wants and needs are consistently sidelined in favor of someone else’s issues, you have the ability to opt out of that dynamic. And yes, I do mean you can break up. You can, and you should if you’re miserable and this is never going to change. 

I know from experience that it’s very possible to love someone with your whole heart, and still not be compatible or even good for each other as partners. I assure you, that’s okay. I also know that self advocacy and healthy boundaries go a long way toward shifting burdens from other relationships, back where they belong. They also inform future interactions by letting everyone involved know exactly how you expect to be treated. The good news is, when everyone is on the same page regarding the success of each relationship, progress is inevitable.And with progress, comes hope.

Toxic relationships — April 11, 2021
What is it about your partner that makes you happy besides kink or sex? — April 5, 2021

What is it about your partner that makes you happy besides kink or sex?

His geekiness and intelligence. How he wants to share his interests with me.
How he’s always warm and feels so nice to snuggle with.
How he comforts me.
How he touches my skin so gently.
How he holds me.
His kisses, all the different kinds.
How he’s my best friend and my teammate and We can talk about anything.
How we can spend time together and not say anything at all.
How he sends me links to random things when we’re not together, letting me know he’s thinking of me.
How much he wishes he could stay when he has to go.
How he looks at me and makes me feel like I’m the most special person ever.
His beard 😛 even when it’s just scruff.
His hair, love playing with it.
His lips.
… I’ve got it bad. I could go on for awhile lol. He’s just amazing. I feel so lucky. ·

Saw this in my bookmark history and felt like itd be nice to save for reference. Maybe this can can be something to think about today for your partners. Every partner brings something to the table and we love them for all those different things.

That being said I want to add that what I love about M and A, despite neither being a partner right now.

M is an incredible person. We haven’t always seen eye to eye but I think she’s incredibly strong, patient, and hard working. She carries the weight of the world on her shoulders and always keeps moving. She cares about the people in her life. She is beautiful inside and out. I like her cooking, and try everything even though I’m a picky eater. I love how she welcomed me and E into her life, despite the rocky start. I like that she loves to create things, and that she has a similar taste in movies. She also gives good cuddle. 🙂

A makes me smile. Just seeing his face often brought the hugest smile to my face. He can easily make me laugh and when he tries he can make my worries melt away. His hugs and kisses made me feel wanted and loved. His voice when we were apart often brought me peace. I love that he accepted me and loved me so fully when we met. And how he wanted to include me in his day to day life and future. I love his smile, his eyes, his infectious personality that makes me want to be around him all the time. His presence brought me joy and made me feel safe. I love his smell, mixed with Krakengarg. I love how passionate he is about things he wants for his life. I love how he is with his kids, and you can see he loves them. Theres more but I’ll stop here.

Dont Let Emotional Flooding Ruin Your Relationship —

Dont Let Emotional Flooding Ruin Your Relationship

You know those times when an argument with your partner suddenly “goes ballistic”?

Very quickly, everything escalates to the point where you are both emotionally reactive. We’ve all been there!

No matter how it starts, we find ourselves triggered into intense feelings of fear, shame, anger, hurt or upset. It is at those times when we are likely to lash out and say things that we regret. Or, we may shut down and flee the scene.

All of a sudden, it feels like our loving partner has become “the enemy”.

This is called “emotional flooding”

The concept of emotional flooding provides an understanding of what is happening on those occasions. This framework can help us figure out why tensions seem to escalate, and why it is so hard to resolve.

So what is flooding?

Flooding is very primitive in nature and refers to a physiological response to a perceived threat. It is our body’s response to stress that was originally designed to alert us to danger and enables us to react quickly in self-defense.

The name refers to a flood of stress hormones (such as adrenalin and cortisol) to the nervous system (known as “Diffuse Physiological Arousal” or DPA) that generates what is commonly known as the ‘fight or flight’ response.

World-renowned relationships researcher Dr. John Gottman found that because of flooding, the physiology of partners during conflict discussion can be like the ‘fight or flight response.’ This makes it very difficult to resolve conflict constructively—especially in ailing relationships.

What happens when you get flooded?

When one partner feels attacked and overwhelmed, it results in heightened DPA. This is usually experienced as a rush of physiological stress symptoms such as an inability to think, hear, or communicate clearly, as well as sweaty palms, increased heart rate, and elevated blood pressure.

The experience of flooding is different for men and women

Gottman found in his research that men flood quicker. That is, it takes less negativity for them to perceive threat and that they are more easily overwhelmed by marital conflict than women.

Once men get flooded, they stay flooded longer. Since they’re usually not as good as women at soothing and calming themselves down, they withdraw and stonewall to protect themselves. This may be a result of social factors, or of genetic or biological differences between males and females.

The impact of flooding

Managing DPA in conflict discussions is necessary. Otherwise, it gets in the way of productive discussions. That’s because once flooded, you’re left with the options of fight (act critical, contemptuous or defensive) or flight (tuning your partner out or stonewalling).

When you’re flooded, your ability to process information is reduced. It’s harder to pay attention to what your partner is saying and your ability to creatively problem solve disappears.

We cannot be a good listener when we are flooded. Empathy flies out the window, along with our humour and understanding. Resolving the issue is highly unlikely and continued conversation will probably worsen the situation and result in additional wounding of each other.

What to do when you feel flooded

The first step is to get calm. Then, you can take in better information and engage in an effective discussion.
If you find yourself flooded, knowing how to self soothe and bring your physiology back to normal is critical. That’s why it’s important to take the following steps when you get flooded:

  1. Learn to recognize the physiological signs of flooding in yourself and in your partner. Feeling defensive? Unable to listen to what your partner is saying? What are the signs that one or both of you is flooded? A good indication is your heart rate, which can rise to well over 100 beats per minute when you are in DPA.
  2. STOP the conversation. Tell your partner you need a break from the conflict discussion. You can disengage from the conversation with a phrase such as:
    • Let’s take a break.
    • I’m feeling flooded.
    • Let’s leave this for another time, when we’re calmer.
  3. Assure your partner that you will return to the conversation when you’re both ready. This is not an excuse to permanently avoid dealing with the issue.
  4. Take time apart to allow your physiology to return to normal. Do something soothing or calming, like exercising, listening to music, reading a magazine or whatever works for you. Typically when in DPA, we take rapid, shallow breaths. Try taking several slow, deep breaths, breathing slowly, in and out, watching your belly rise and fall.
  5. Disengage from unhelpful thoughts while self-soothing. Replaying wounding words, blaming your partner or holding onto victimhood will just keep you flooded or escalate your flooded state. This is the time to ask yourself, “What do I know that is good and true about my partner?”
  6. Once calm, make an effort to calm and soothe your partner. Once you have calmed yourself, it can be very healing to extend some physical touch or a reassuring word to your partner. Decide in advance what sort of overture would be soothing to your partner (and vice-versa) when flooding has occurred.
  7. Revisit the conversation when you both feel calm and ready. A good break to reverse the physiology of DPA lasts at least 20-30 minutes. However, the threshold for DPA is different for each individual, so it’s important to wait until your partner is ready to re-engage. You may be ready to resume your conversation in an hour – or you may need several days or longer before you’re ready to resume. Once you are both ready, return to the conversation.

You and your partner are bound to be triggered from time to time. Share this information with him or her. Have a conversation together about flooding, and discuss what you each need to keep the conversation feeling safe. If flooding occurs again, you’ll know what to do! Your relationship will grow in the process of working through these sensitive issues.

May Soo is a psychologist who specializes in relationship counselling and sex therapy.

Loving and Understanding an Empath — April 4, 2021

Loving and Understanding an Empath

writing by Alex Myles

Empaths are unique personality types, their sensory levels are always on high alert, they are incredibly intuitive and their awareness and sensitivity to the energy levels that vibrate around them are extremely high.

If an empath senses something, they are not often wrong. If they think someone’s lying or that something is just “not right” you can bet your last dollar that they are not wrong.

Empaths have quite a few little quirks, traits and characteristics that are worth knowing about, and gaining a better understanding of, so that any relationship that is formed has a strong survival chance and also so that it thrives.

Empaths can be deeply misunderstood. It can take a little time to get to know them before they fully unravel and until their true magnificent spirit receives the opportunity to shine.

Love with an empath will be intense as they are energetically sensitive, therefore they will pick up on everything and anything that is happening around them. Regardless of whether emotions have been outwardly expressed, empaths will experience their partner’s emotions as deeply as they feel their own.

It is impossible to try to hide true feelings when romantically involved with an empath as they will likely have figured them out long before the person feeling them has. Empaths are highly intuitive yet sometimes fail to trust their inner voice as too many people have previously tried to wrongly convince them that their gut feelings were wrong.

Being a little naive and trusting at times, the empath has doubted themselves and pushed aside their intuition, causing them to lose faith in the power they hold within that alerts them to any perceived signs of danger. That being said, the little nagging voice in the empath’s head will not subside until the reality and truth has been fully uncovered.

Empaths like truth. However hard it is to handle, they would rather be told things straight than told a lie, even if it is a white one. Although the truth isn’t always pretty, it is much nicer than spending days and nights trying to make sense of all the complicated energies and subliminal messaging systems that are going on.

If it’s one thing that empaths are amazing at it is dealing with a brutally raw and honest relationship. Although they can be rather delicate creatures on some levels, their strength in relationships is found where honesty, trust and loyalty come before anything else.

The true spirit of an empath wants to give and receive love in abundance, though they are only able to do this when they feel safe and secure that they are in a safe place to open the door and allow the love to flow.

One of the most tragic parts about the empaths character is that all too often the love is cast out in all the wrong places. Empaths feel the pain and sorrow of the whole world and feel that they want to heal and fix the world up and make things better for all concerned. This can be an amazingly powerful thing and this energy is exactly what the world needs. However, this can also be a deeply painful way to exist.

Not everyone sees the world the way an empath views it and because of this, an empath’s heart will be broken constantly and they will bleed endlessly for cruelty, injustice and inequalities. There will be many who will want to take the love, affection and the empath’s good nature with no care for giving any return.

Whilst this can teach an empath a lot about unconditional love and also an immense amount about self-preservation, it is also a deeply painful learning process.

An empath will fail to understand why others do not give out care, consideration and affection freely and why other people can so easily turn a blind eye to heartbreak and suffering when healing is what is required. Others may ridicule and belittle the empath’s desire to reach out and make a difference, and this serves to add salt to their wounds.

When an empath feels hurt, what they need most is loving support and understanding so that they know they are not alone in wanting to use some of their powerful energy to heal and make changes in the world; if they receive this from a partner, a bond for life will very likely form.

Empaths will fall into the hands of those who want to take advantage of their somewhat naive and caring nature. Again, this is another sharp lesson and one that can cause an empath to develop a sense of mistrust and what leads to protecting their emotions with barriers and brick walls.

It can also lead to an empath to feelings of unworthiness and also low-self esteem, as once they have depleted their energy reserves to such a low level by giving and not understanding how to protect themselves in the process, they can end up with a broken heart and with very little faith in mankind.

It is not in an empath’s nature to take, they only know how to give, so to ensure the relationship is one of balance and is also harmonious, ensure the empath is shown love in the form of actions, so that the circle of love flows freely. Words will mean little to an empath, unless they are followed through. Their intuition will quickly pick up on something done with poor intent, or if a person’s words are inauthentic.

To love someone who is an empath means to recognize that they thrive when the flames are turned up, not down. An empath gives off a powerful and energetic fuel of love, light and radiance, though the fire only fully rages when an empath exists in a sacred place within which they feel secure enough to glow.

Empaths are soft, delicate and immensely vulnerable creatures on the inside, although, once burnt, on the outside they can appear incredibly strong. Once bitten, twice shy where an empath is concerned, they find it very difficult to forget deep wounds and to continue a relationship once foundations are rocked.

The best way to fully connect with an empath is by creating a safe and solid platform to build a future upon. If cracks appear through mistrust and deceit, it can become immensely difficult to repair them. Empaths thrive on trust, loyalty and dependability. Show them these things and the relationship will be very difficult to break.

As empaths are highly passionate people, they will often find a strong connection to a hobby or interest that others will find impossible to penetrate. Due to their creative side, they may find a resonance with music, dance, writing, art, activism, reading, Yoga, meditation, humanitarian causes or other similar interests. Whatever it is that has captured the mind of an empath will be become sacred in their hearts.

It possibly won’t last for too long, as empaths are known to move quickly from one interest to another once the initial burning desire of connection eventually simmers down.

As empaths are sensitive to energy, their worst-case scenarios are confrontations and aggressive situations. Although under normal circumstances they are one of the least violent and aggressive characters, they can very easily lose their self-control if they become absorbed in the negative and toxic energy that surrounds them. Empaths are fight or flight characters who more often than not, will prefer to take flight and remove themselves from the weight that the energy is bearing down on them.

A connection with an empath can be a blessing and one of the greatest gifts from the universe as it offers the opportunity to look at the world through the lens of a kaleidoscope. Everything that may have once seemed normal for a relationship will be turned upside down as a new understanding and perspective is learned and the unconscious mind is preened open.

The one thing I would strongly recommend is to peel back all the layers that society labels as “norms,” “standards” and “expectations.” We are then free to discover a brand new way of existing; giving and receiving unconditional love, being fully alive in the moment, connecting deep within the core of our primal being and reigniting all the superpowers that are inherent within man.

A relationship with an empath can lead to uncovering special gifts such as intuition, energy awareness, deep connection and a brand new level of understanding the fellow man without the need for speech. All the things the modern world has tried, for far too long, to convince us we should deny.

True love can be a very difficult thing for an empath to achieve, although with the right person, with someone understanding, grounded, free spirited and trustworthy, love can be an intimate, deeply bonding, healing, fulfilling, empowering and healthy addiction that neither will want to break.


What is true love? —

What is true love?

Contributions from a thread asking this question:

  1. You’re comfortable with each other, no matter what others say or do.
  2. Plans are made and kept, or the excuse is true.
  3. Time is always planned and reserved just for you.
  4. Your needs are a top priority over most people and things.
  5. Begging or pleading is not required for affection.
  6. Family, friends and work don’t compare to you.
  7. Love stands up for you any time there is trouble.
  8. Attention and awareness is freely given, and faults are ignored or quickly forgiven.
  9. There are no secrets regarding your relationship and it’s good companionship.
  10. You’re not left lonely or alone.
  11. Good surprises, gifts of laughter and togetherness often arise.
  12. You will always be welcomed in your lover’s company.
  13. No other lover exists in the mind of your partner. There is no competition.
  14. There is constant and consistent contact.
  15. Love is not one-sided. If it is, or feels that way, then it’s likely unrequited.
  16. Sharing is open, honest and without hesitation.
  17. Your lover seeks to understand your problems and frustrations.
  18. You are worth more than the cost of anything they could buy.
  19. There are answers to your questions of where, when, how, or why.
  20. No one walks away without a plan to return.
  21. What your family and friends think does not impact your relationship.
  22. You find comfort and clarity in your respective roles, and they make you feel whole.
  23. Love doesn’t need to be chased, as it is easily found.
  24. Your lifestyle doesn’t get in the way of a love which has no bounds.
  25. It’s easy to forgive, forget and move on when something goes wrong.
  26. You don’t have to buy anything to make someone happy or feel strong.
  27. Mind, body and soul are appreciated and respected.
  28. The relationship is worthy of safety and protection.
  29. There is a deep and profound connection.
  30. “I Love You” is easy to say when other words fail or get in the way.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.

“Love is what is left over after being “in love” has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident.” ~ Louis de Bernières

When all those crazy dopamine levels of those first few months or years burn away and you still want to spend more time with this person than anyone, when your future just is, when he can sometimes love you so hard that every feeling pours out of you, and the next day do some mundane household task together and enjoy that ‘almost’ as much- that’s love. Being in love can lead to love, but it’s a choice and a commitment that both people need to make to the other for it to be real. Being in love is a state of existence, a noun. Love is something you do (together), a verb.


What does love mean to me? -M — April 1, 2021

What does love mean to me? -M

Below written by M and published here for reference.

Let me see. What love means to me. Love is work. I believe you make a conscious decision to love someone and that’s why some parents turn out terrible. Love is what happens in the later stages of a relationship, after that initial spark, the attraction, the energy of that new relationship. Love is being there even though you’re angry, when your upset, or when you don’t understand. Love is working through those downs so that you can enjoy the ups together. Love is making up that 80 percent on the days your partner can only give 20. Love is trusting that they’ll also be there on your 20 percent days to help you both give 100. Love is trust. Trusting another person with your life, not in saving it, but in helping you build a better one. Love is the smiling face in a sea of anger, the warmth in a bed of ice, the unimaginable hope when everything else seems hopeless. Love is patience.

Poly Meeting topics —

Poly Meeting topics

Responses below by Crystal. (Did my best on this assignment)

What love means to me:
Love can be used to describe many feelings but I’ll focus on love for an adult non-related person at this time. When I meet someone and get to know them, I start to learn about them. I learn their quirks, their humor, their personality. I recognize the feelings I get within myself when I’m around them. Over time I feel that a person has left a mark on me that will never truly go away. At this point Id call that love. There have been times that the words have been said to me fairly early in dating someone. And typically if I hadn’t already, I’m pushed over the edge of loving them in return by the simple act of sharing those feelings with me. By this point I would’ve already had a strong attachment to the person but love makes things deeper. For me to love someone they have my loyalty, they have my devotion. I am imprinted by every single person I’ve ever loved. They each left their mark on my heart, and some left behind some scars. Ideally love is mutual, and means the same thing. For me that means being considerate of your partner, thinking of how something affects them and not wanting to hurt them, reassuring them and supporting them when needed. And love extends to friendships as well. I basically “fall in love” with friends who have had a major impact in my life. Some I have had some romantic history with but at least one was platonic and when we had a falling out it hurt like any break up would. I missed her, and was saddened by the things she said to me in the end. The things she judged me for and used to hurt me in the end. Sometimes love isnt enough. In fact love alone does not a long lasting connection make. Love needs 2+ people who are committed to supporting eachother and lifting eachother up. It may be unhealthy when this is one sided but when its teamwork it can be beautiful and when you nurture that bond and create a strong foundation any issue can be faced. It takes thinking of others, understanding, trust, and communication. It takes putting yourself in someone elses shoes to see their perspective when there is a conflict. I probably could go on and on. But when you love someone, its not to be taken lately. When youre in love that connection has the capability of waking you up in the morning on the most difficult days, making it through your hardest moments in life. To lose someone you love is one of the worst feelings one can experience. Losing someone you love due to a choice they made, that cuts deep and causes a flow of negative emotions that many never fully get rid of. Love is deep and meaningful and true. And it can one of the most beautiful things in the world if handled with care and with mutual love and respect from each party. 

What support should feel like and how to get there:
Support should feel like being eachother through thick and thin through anything that comes your way in life. Being able to talk through what we feel when something is wrong, and feeling heard. Being open to sharing and receiving information so that we can improve and work on better supporting eachother. I don’t know how to get there but it takes commitment to this goal by everyone to be able to feel supported and be supportive. 

What we want vs what we expect: what I want for my future is the big house all together. And a life where we are equals in love and support. A united front where challenges are handled with love and respect. Within that dream there’s things I know may never come true including having a partner(s) that declare an official commitment to me in some way and a baby. Though I’m not sure those things are ever going to happen. I expected to be able to work towards these dreams and face each hiccup as they come. What I want short term is to not fight and to be able to work on issues that cause strain in our relationships. I want to work together to find what things would be helpful and what things wouldn’t be. I expected that it would take time and wouldn’t be without a lot of blood, sweat and tears but that we would make it through and it’d be worth it in the end. 

Future goals and how to get there: no idea. Will come back later 

Emotional and mental welfare: not good. 

Outside help and therapy: I started therapy. And I have a few ppl I chat with for support now that I’ve opened up to. 

Contributing factors and miscommunication: plans being fuzzy and not making sure everyone knows what’s going on. Lack of empathy and support when someone isn’t ok. Little to no understanding or acknowledgement when someone states a need. Putting one person above another instead of finding a way to make sure everyone’s needs are being met. 

Coping mechanisms/downtime: gaming, reading, writing. Having another partner or friend when that’s available. Working on bigger personal projects that have been put off. Maybe working out and cleaning. Taking a walk. 

How to help eachother: do not default to angry. Ask what the other person needs in that moment. Take a moment to be present with that person and absorb what they say. Follow through with anything you agree to do to make things better. Use loving and gentle language when speaking to someone who is having a hard time. Work on long term issues to prevent the same things from happening again. 

Accountability: if 2 parties are having issues, the others step in to help somehow. It shows are joint commitment to our success.

Introduce Yourself (Example Post) — March 30, 2021

Introduce Yourself (Example Post)

This is an example post, originally published as part of Blogging University. Enroll in one of our ten programs, and start your blog right.

You’re going to publish a post today. Don’t worry about how your blog looks. Don’t worry if you haven’t given it a name yet, or you’re feeling overwhelmed. Just click the “New Post” button, and tell us why you’re here.

Why do this?

  • Because it gives new readers context. What are you about? Why should they read your blog?
  • Because it will help you focus your own ideas about your blog and what you’d like to do with it.

The post can be short or long, a personal intro to your life or a bloggy mission statement, a manifesto for the future or a simple outline of your the types of things you hope to publish.

To help you get started, here are a few questions:

  • Why are you blogging publicly, rather than keeping a personal journal?
  • What topics do you think you’ll write about?
  • Who would you love to connect with via your blog?
  • If you blog successfully throughout the next year, what would you hope to have accomplished?

You’re not locked into any of this; one of the wonderful things about blogs is how they constantly evolve as we learn, grow, and interact with one another — but it’s good to know where and why you started, and articulating your goals may just give you a few other post ideas.

Can’t think how to get started? Just write the first thing that pops into your head. Anne Lamott, author of a book on writing we love, says that you need to give yourself permission to write a “crappy first draft”. Anne makes a great point — just start writing, and worry about editing it later.

When you’re ready to publish, give your post three to five tags that describe your blog’s focus — writing, photography, fiction, parenting, food, cars, movies, sports, whatever. These tags will help others who care about your topics find you in the Reader. Make sure one of the tags is “zerotohero,” so other new bloggers can find you, too.